Shame

[Shame] “No other affect is more central to identity formation
[…] “Who am I? and “Where do I belong?” are forged in the crucible of shame.
[…] Like a wound made from the inside by an unseen hand, shame disrupts the natural functioning of the self”
(Kaufman)

What is Shame

HB Lewis’ phenomenological study of shame back in 1971 changed the way shame had been considered in the field of psychology. She considered the physiological responses linked with one’s sense of shame, how they connect with the sense of self, making it a primitive and powerful reaction concerned with the whole self. The recognition of the effects of shame and the impact of these on self, highlight the power shame has to motivate behavioural changes in each of us.

Shame is a common emotion experienced by many and can be considered a positive interpersonal function, one that from childhood guides individuals to adapt their behaviour to maintain social bonds and promote personal and societal values. However, when we experience shame in a way that we feel threatens our relationships and social status, the way we cope or defend ourself against shame can lead to negative outcomes. 

Shame can be experienced at many intersections of a person’s life (gender, race, class, culture, sex, ethnicity, sexuality, dis/ability, physical appearance, and religion). Shame creeps in through doubting one’s sense of being accepted in society.  

Impacts of Shame

For many shame is not a positive interpersonal function but an intense negative emotion.

Just the feeling of being ashamed impairs one’s ability to function socially, often we feel self-conscious, impacting our cognitive ability, leading to further humiliation, compounding shame and intensifying the feeling of not being accepted, loved or valued.

Shame has been likened to an experience as one that is more urgent than when our body experiences physical pain. Understanding this explains the intensity it evokes for the individual to escape shame from the core experience.

Responses to shame

Although shame is a universal, our responses to shame are individualistic.

Coping strategies - Nathanson’s Compass of Shame (1992) was specifically designed to assess shame-coping styles. The Compass of Shame hypothesises four responses to the physiological and psychological experience of shame: withdrawal, avoidance, attack self and attack other. They are considered as coping scripts, an individual may deploy one or more of these, depending on the event, multiple coping scripts and defenses can be used for immediate/short term coping or long term adapted coping.

Defense mechanisms - Shame has been likened to an experience as one that is more urgent than when our body experiences physical pain. Understanding this explains the intensity it evokes for the individual to escape shame from the core experience, examples of defenses used, such as splitting off self (self-fragmenting) into the good and the bad, denial, projection, rationalisation, repression, and sublimation to name but a few.

Sex and shame

Shame and sex have been interlinked through religious, cultural and/or moral values of the individual and society. Shame is commonly experienced when individuals pursue what feels sexually and erotically fulfilling to them but may not be aligned to the perceived moral code of society.

When shame is connected to sex, individuals may choose to deny themselves what they find sexually and erotically fulfilling. This can cause further psychological distress; erotic desire is part of one’s identity and is therefore unremovable.  Denying it does not detach the shame from the individuals’ experiences in connection with it, but creates more conflict and distress, leaving the individual feeling stuck both behaviourally and emotionally.

This is the point when compulsive patterns and cycles of behaviour start to develop, which is why it is essential to work with shame from the very beginning – this can be the key to breaking distressing behavioural cycles.

Treating shame therapeutically

As a therapist who runs a shame informed practice, I have a well-developed understanding of shame theory – shame scripts, shame language (verbal and non-verbal). I work within a shame free environment – in which I am open, curious and sex positive. Building trust is a key part of any therapeutic work, but it is essential when working with shame. Trust is key to the interpersonal bond, when this is established it allows for mutual empathy, which is crucial for the development of self-worth and an essential component for self-empathy to be regained.

Shame work includes:

  • Maintaining an environment that is conducive to enabling you to feel safe enough to allow any shame defenses to be lowered to start the work of shame reduction.

  • Starting from an external point – psychoeducation of shame theory (psychoeducation can be a useful tool in dismantling shame - understanding of the impacts and function of shame, helps us create an external frame to work with shame. This also has the additional benefit of seeing ‘universality of shame’, which directly tackles the stigma of shame.

  • Working with you to uncover and understand the development of your shame.

  • Identify shame cycles and introducing strategies to break these – working through and reframe negative thoughts, restoring self-esteem and self-worth.

  • Working relationally to model self-compassion and trust in the other.

  • Working relationally to reduce sexual stigmatisation, working with you to accept and validate your sexual identity, through non-sexual experiences to reduce shame in this connection and context.

I am passionate as a therapist about my role in contributing to break down the stigma of shame.